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microreview

Val Venis: A Review

Hellooooooooo ladies...

Exploding Cage

• 1 min read
Val Venis and Terri Runnels. Val was probably making some weird sex grunt. that's what he does.
WWE
By Colette Arrand

Colette Arrand is the editor of Exploding Cage and one half of BIG EGG, with Joseph Anthony Montecillo. Support Colette by subscribing to her Patreon or tipping her on Ko-fi. Follow her on Twitter.

Val Venis is always cumming. There is never a moment when Val Venis is on screen where Vince McMahon doesn't want you to believe that he's cumming, maybe even when he's about to get his dick chopped off. "Hello ladies," Val Venis would growl, dick presumably raw, wrestling his only solace from a living hell. One day, an orgasm shattered Val Venis' world. That he continued to wrestle for as long as he did is a testament to humanity's will to preserver.

Pros

  • When people say things like "You know, Val Venis was actually a pretty good wrestler," it is like being given a free pass to ignore their opinions in perpetuity.
  • The "V" on his gear actually terminates into the head of a cock, which would be a net negative except for the fact that there are two Vs on Val Venis' gear, and the heads of both of those cocks terminate somewhere in the taint region.
  • Once, someone took a sign to Raw that read "VAL VENIS = BIG PENIS." I think about that sign a lot.

Cons

  • Someone has to wash Val Venis' gear, and it's probably not Val Venis.
  • This motherfucker was around FOREVER.
  • One of my roommates walked into the living room while I was watching a 1998 episode of Raw and now I am looking for a new place to live.
  • "The Big Valbowski."

Rating: *

Dude couldn't even get his dick chopped off for real. Trash pro wrestler.